Today is Dr. Seuss’ birthday. Theodor Seuss Geisel, or Dr. Seuss as he is known to most of the world, was born on March 2, 1904.
I’m a big fan of Dr. Seuss. I love his silliness, the twists and turns of his language, and the magic of his words. He said, about his writing:

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.

One of those realities for grown-ups is taxes. For the last few years, I’ve mixed a little tax in with my Seuss. You can see my efforts from past years here:

This year is no different. Follows is my rewrite of “The Cat In The Hat” I hope you enjoy “The Man With The Scam.”
The check did not come. Bills were too high to pay.
So we sat on our hands, Day after day after day.
We sat there not filing. We sat there, we two.
And I said, “How I wish we knew what we could do!”
Too much to avoid but too high to pay all.
So we sat on our hands. We didn’t write or call.
And all we could do was to sit!
sit!
sit!
sit!
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.
And then something went BUMP!
How that bump made us jump!
We looked!
Then we saw it and I’ll now confess,
We looked, and we saw it!
Call from IRS!
The caller, he said, “Why do you sit there like that? I know you owe tax and the amount is insane.
But pay by the due date to avoid further pain!”
“I know where you live, where you work,” said the voice.
“Not paying your tax is a very poor choice.
But there are solutions. I will show them to you.
You will be very, very glad that I do.”
And honestly, I did not know what to say.
I wasn’t sure what to do: should I just pay?
A small voice said, “No! No! Hang that up right away!
The IRS would surely NOT call you to pay.
You should not pay up. You should hang up without
Offering info – if you have any doubt.”
“Now! Now! Have no fear, have no fear,” the man said.
“My tricks are not bad, that’s all in your head.
Why, I can help you figure out what is best,
If you’ll pay up now, you can avoid an arrest.”
“That’s not fair!” I proclaimed. “This is no fun at all!
I’m not sure if I owe. I do NOT like this call!”
“Have no fear!” the man said. “Just hear what I say.
You will pay an amount and then I’ll go away.
This part’s important so don’t you forget it.
Pay using cards – I take debit and credit.”
“Pay at once! Pay at once now!” the man said.
“I’m losing my patience and I’m losing my head!
You owe LOTS of taxes!
I can make things quite rough!
If you don’t pay up now!
I will have to get tough!
Listen! I can put the police on the call!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all…”
“Pay your tax!
Pay your tax!
Pay your tax NOW!
I’ll have to get ugly and you have to know how.
I can go to your house, call the police station!
I can go to your job or call immigration!
I can make your life hard and toy with your money!
Trust me, you won’t think any of this funny.
I’ll embarrass you if you try ending this call!
But that is not all.
Oh, no.
That is not all…”
That’s what the caller said… then the line went quite dead!
It went down with a beep And then there on the call.
The pair of us sat, Very worried and ALL!
What if we did owe money, What if it was a lot?
I said, “Do I like this? Oh, no! I do not.
This is not a good thing, It’s not a good fit.
No, I do not like it, Not one little bit!”
“Now look what you did!” the caller dialed us back.
“You still haven’t paid And that’s a true fact!”
“You have one more chance, To settle your tax debt.
But then I’ll get mad and you’ll lose, I will bet.
You SHOULD NOT be here when you owe me some dough.
You’ll pay your bill now and you’ll pay what you owe.”
“I don’t think I owe you. Oh, at least not a lot!”
I said to the caller who was listening – NOT.
“I will NOT go away. I do NOT wish to go!
and so,” said the caller to me,
“so…
so…
so…
I will show you another good trick that I know!”
He hung up the phone. And, then, quick as a flash,
The phone rang again, still demanding more cash.
Lots and lots of cash. I opted to screen it.
“Now listen to me,” the man howled. “I mean it!”

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Author

Kelly Erb is a tax attorney and tax writer.

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